Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
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Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
#SaturdayBears
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
this is the best interaction on twitter
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening