IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
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[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
#Caturday
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.