@GrantTanaka

[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it

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@CelebrityChez

I’m not afraid to admit that I’m not the sharpest elevator in the sea.

@Twtercide

Instead of catching your child every time they fall, teach them how to effectively execute a tuck and roll.

You’re welcome.

@WheelTod

That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material

@Bob_Janke

if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married

@KatieBurnett

If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost

@AristotlesNZ

WebMD’s slogan should be “It could be nothing.. but its probably cancer.”

@morganastra

you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”

@Starchily90

Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?” I always say yes……… Cause otherwise they make you watch it on their phone

@ndiquote

[first date]

her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?

me : at our daughter’s piano recital

@poutinesmoothie

Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.