Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
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5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*