[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it

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Instead of catching your child every time they fall, teach them how to effectively execute a tuck and roll.

You’re welcome.


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if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married


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WebMD’s slogan should be “It could be nothing.. but its probably cancer.”


you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”


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her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?

me : at our daughter’s piano recital


Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.