[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it

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Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.


I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.

I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.


When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.


*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*


Oh my God. You try to run him over one time and he never lets you forget it.


Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet


How to use eyeliner:

1. Draw a thin line on your top & bottom eyelids
2. Oops too thick, try to even them out
3. Colour your whole face in


This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.

Well, he said they were pretty…

Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”


Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.


Pregnant white women over 30 always buy the biggest SUV around, because you never know when you’ll give birth to half of a baseball team.