@GrantTanaka

[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it

You Might Also Like

@JohnHilsen

Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.

@beefman138

I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.

I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.

@AndyAsAdjective

When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.

@mostunladylike

*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*

@OMGSoOverIt

Oh my God. You try to run him over one time and he never lets you forget it.

@Playing_Dad

Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet

@krispythehuman

How to use eyeliner:

1. Draw a thin line on your top & bottom eyelids
2. Oops too thick, try to even them out
3. Colour your whole face in

@lovejulieacafe

This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.

Well, he said they were pretty…

Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”

@dadofbieber

Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.

@TheMichaelRock

Pregnant white women over 30 always buy the biggest SUV around, because you never know when you’ll give birth to half of a baseball team.