Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
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My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
LA today:
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback