ikea worker 1: ok i say we name it “stay in stool” haha like school haha cuz it’s a stool
ikea worker 2: nice try but we r naming it üdëkæb

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Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.

Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.


him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it

me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?


Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them

-Lord of the Onion Rings


Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.


Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?


“Am I the only one who-?”

There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.


This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice


co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons

bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird


Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.


I saw a baby crying and gave it my cable bill cuz no reason we should both be sad.