@loserIex

ikea worker 1: ok i say we name it “stay in stool” haha like school haha cuz it’s a stool
ikea worker 2: nice try but we r naming it üdëkæb

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@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.

Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.

@Gupton68

him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it

me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?

@ojedge

Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them

-Lord of the Onion Rings

@timdonakowski

Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.

@Kimgee8

Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?

@kayleighpuget

“Am I the only one who-?”

There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.

@Peauxtassium

This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice

@Shen_the_Bird

co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons

bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird

@TheCatWhisprer

Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.

@delusions_of

I saw a baby crying and gave it my cable bill cuz no reason we should both be sad.