“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
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I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
felt cute might bury dad later idk
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.