I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
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It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.