I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
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my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.