I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”

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Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.


Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”

I still have no idea when to iron that thing.


Parenting through the years:

1st kid: Organic food only

2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”

3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”


Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.


husband: Just tell me, is there someone else?

me: Of course not, Jim! What makes you think that?

husband: Well for starters, I’m David.


I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.

Or help them move.


Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.


Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.


almost 22 years ago 2 people had sex and now i have to go to work everyday