I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
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Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go