@BuckyIsotope

I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”

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@jilltwiss

“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time

@Bez

I could be a stripper if guys want to see a girl get stuck trying to take off her turtleneck followed by an on-stage panic attack.

@david8hughes

[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.

@Jenny4ashley

[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next

@DrakeGatsby

[Nightclub]

Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES

@dafloydsta

[bedtime]

SON: Can you leave the light on?

ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?

SON: What?

ME: What?

@SkinnerSteven

That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that