I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
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I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
when you order from DoorDastardly
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers