Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
You Might Also Like
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Finally!
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.