Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
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I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
mumsnet is amazing
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no