@KayRants

I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.

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@Jandalize

My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20

@Papa_Mex

Big shoutout to my neighbors, who left their back door open accidentally, when I needed a few things and didn’t want to go to the store…

@stevevsninjas

Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this

@Mike_Bianchi

Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.

@geowizzacist

(Final maths exam)

Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over

@OwensDamien

In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.

@lisaxy424

It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.

@noduffers

Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?

Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.

@dorsalstream

DATE: I love spicy food.

ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.