I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.

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My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20


Big shoutout to my neighbors, who left their back door open accidentally, when I needed a few things and didn’t want to go to the store…


Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this


Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.


(Final maths exam)

Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over


In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.


It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.


Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?

Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.


DATE: I love spicy food.

ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.