“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
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any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
ah yes….my favourite videogame
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.