“i’ll be back”

–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume

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[doctor hooking wires to my chest]

ME: What are you doing?

DOC: Echocardiogram

ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test


Nothing says “I love you” like my cat aggressively bathing herself immediately after I pet her.


request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty


{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.


My 7yo has a friend over and I’m pretty sure he learned how to whisper during a hurricane.


ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.


why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward