“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
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The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.