“I’ll be back!”


-and herpes

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Trainer: You here to get cut?

Me: Uhh no, I’m already circumcised and if that’s covered under my membership, I want a reduced bill


Lots of hockey tweets, sadly I’m from Alabama where a bunch of white guys chasing something black with sticks has a whole different meaning.


If the floor was lava the couch would be on fire, idiot


Huh, this is a first

Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before

They must know


There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.


I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.


I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.


Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds


Her: I want you to leave me breathless

Me: *hides her inhaler


I think I pulled a muscle paying my registration fee at the gym