“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
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SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
figuring out my emotional availability:
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again