@AmishPornStar1
@3sunzzz My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
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@3sunzzz 
@BlindChow No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
@daemonic3 The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
@Jen_says_nah Texts friend: sorry, I’m running late.
Friend: no problem, let me know when you’re on your way.
[ 6 weeks later]
Ok I’ve left.
@LaziestCanine “911 what’s your emergency”
IM DYING
“what happened”
I GOT STABBED LIKE 3 TIMES
“lol pics or didn’t happen”
@DrRocktopoid My high-school wrestling coach called me “the little raccoon” ’cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and carried Lyme disease.
@_SingleBabyMama My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
@ShortSleeveSuit Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
@robdelaney ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
@UduhEmeka This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available