@AmishPornStar1

“I’ll be back!”

-boomerangs

-and herpes

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@3sunzzz

My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.

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No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries

@daemonic3

The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.

@Jen_says_nah

Texts friend: sorry, I’m running late.

Friend: no problem, let me know when you’re on your way.

[ 6 weeks later]
Ok I’ve left.

@LaziestCanine

“911 what’s your emergency”
IM DYING
“what happened”
I GOT STABBED LIKE 3 TIMES
“lol pics or didn’t happen”

@DrRocktopoid

My high-school wrestling coach called me “the little raccoon” ’cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and carried Lyme disease.

@_SingleBabyMama

My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.

@ShortSleeveSuit

Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood

Me: Brad?

*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*

@robdelaney

ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”

@UduhEmeka

This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..

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Bill is no longer available