@AmishPornStar1

“I’ll be back!”

-boomerangs

-and herpes

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@Mr_Kapowski

[gym]

Trainer: You here to get cut?

Me: Uhh no, I’m already circumcised and if that’s covered under my membership, I want a reduced bill

@Darylch

Lots of hockey tweets, sadly I’m from Alabama where a bunch of white guys chasing something black with sticks has a whole different meaning.

@ThaJawn

If the floor was lava the couch would be on fire, idiot

@Smooheed

Huh, this is a first

Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before

They must know

@SirEviscerate

There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.

@MandiAtRandom

I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.

@CrankyPappy

I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.

@Ygrene

Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds

@stewteee

Her: I want you to leave me breathless

Me: *hides her inhaler

@gianni_bcn

I think I pulled a muscle paying my registration fee at the gym