“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
You Might Also Like
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
I
T
H
I
N
KW
ES
H
O
U
L
DR
U
I
NP
E
O
P
L
E
ST
I
M
E
L
I
N
EB
YT
W
E
E
T
I
N
GL
I
K
ET
H
I
SA
L
LD
A
Y
.
.
.
.
.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.