I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
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I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”