I’ll be celebrating my birthday the traditional way, by barging naked into a room full of strangers and crying.

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Mother in law found me… On the twitter

This will be converted into a pineapple upside down cake blog for the next 72 hours.

I’m so sorry


my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems


me: I just left and I already miss you
wife *typing response*
me: (can you read that to the dog for me)


Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.


I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.


Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.


Women love a man that can cook, tell a lady you’re interested in that youll cook anything their heart desires. And pray they say “spaghetti”


How long into a conversation is it too late to admit you’ve forgotten his name? We’ve been married 6 years.


JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?


JUDGE: it’s a fine

MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not