@badbanana

I’ll be celebrating my birthday the traditional way, by barging naked into a room full of strangers and crying.

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@JimmySelfDest

Mother in law found me… On the twitter

This will be converted into a pineapple upside down cake blog for the next 72 hours.

I’m so sorry

@KKenuz

my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems

@iwearaonesie

[texting]
me: I just left and I already miss you
wife *typing response*
me: (can you read that to the dog for me)

@ehdannyboy

Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.

@Donna_McCoy

I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.

@stillwondering1

Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.

@FatuousFloozy

Women love a man that can cook, tell a lady you’re interested in that youll cook anything their heart desires. And pray they say “spaghetti”

@xLiserx

How long into a conversation is it too late to admit you’ve forgotten his name? We’ve been married 6 years.

@ShortSleeveSuit

JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?

MARIO:

JUDGE: it’s a fine

MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not