I’ve been stealing retainers and throwing them in a swamp so that in 1000 or so year archeologists think it’s an ancient nerd burial ground
I’ll be honest, it scares the crap out of me that you guys will be homeschooling your kids.
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If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
If history is any indication a lot more stuff is bound to happen.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Gas is like $40/full tank
Carrots are like $1/pound
Ya boi is getting a horse.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
[buying cucumber and vaseline]
me: got an awesome night planned
[later, eating a cucumber and vaseline sandwich]
this is awful
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Prevent your neighbors from ever awkwardly waving at you again by hanging a Russian flag today.