I’ll be honest, it scares the crap out of me that you guys will be homeschooling your kids.

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I’ve been stealing retainers and throwing them in a swamp so that in 1000 or so year archeologists think it’s an ancient nerd burial ground


If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.


Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza


If history is any indication a lot more stuff is bound to happen.


KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here

ME: Oh no!

WIFE: Talk to him

ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE


Gas is like $40/full tank

Carrots are like $1/pound

Ya boi is getting a horse.


My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.

Now he can hear the voices too.


[buying cucumber and vaseline]
me: got an awesome night planned
clerk: eugh
[later, eating a cucumber and vaseline sandwich]
this is awful


Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?

I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.


Prevent your neighbors from ever awkwardly waving at you again by hanging a Russian flag today.