Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
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Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby