@sickipediabot

I’ll be honest, the only time I’d ever want to be ‘Keeping Up With The Kardashians’ would be if I was chasing them

With an axe.

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@AndyJokedAgain

DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers

@behindyourback

Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.

@AndyRichter

HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.

@Rollmaninoz

*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!

@Laser_Cat

“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.

@Wine_Honey1

Be careful how much wine you drink, might end up vacuuming the driveway in your panties

@TheAlexNevil

Me: Aww, look at that little puppy on tv. Isn’t he the cutest?!

Dog: The hell, Man?? Right here!

@GrabTheWEness

It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.

@chelliet22

You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.

But God knows I’ve tried.