I’ll be honest, the only time I’d ever want to be ‘Keeping Up With The Kardashians’ would be if I was chasing them

With an axe.

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Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers


Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.


HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.


*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!


“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.


Be careful how much wine you drink, might end up vacuuming the driveway in your panties


Me: Aww, look at that little puppy on tv. Isn’t he the cutest?!

Dog: The hell, Man?? Right here!


It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.


You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.

But God knows I’ve tried.