I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.

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All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?


A $7 voucher at the airport is like having 100 skeeball tickets at Chuck E Cheese: it sounds good on paper but won’t get you anything decent


PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that


“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.



– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into


I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match


Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one


50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.


Uber eats:

Food: $12

Service fee: $4

Delivery fee: $9

Total: $260