I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
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*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?