@Cheeseboy22

I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.

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@Cpin42

Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL

@KalvinMacleod

ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing

@AmishPornStar1

“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”

me, to the collection agency

@abhorrent_wife

The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.

@SuicideBooth1

[fans out the deck]

Pick a card, any card..

Memorize it..

[hits you in the face with a shovel]

KING OF SPADES!

[walks off]

@Vodkantots

People who are genuinely surprised when politicians behave badly should be forced to wear helmets for their own protection.

@DothTheDoth

How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:11:”thatUPSdude”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3022333640/5ea6ba9db8fde5cc05ad6cf7d9c52e36_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”329242784039063552″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”46″;s:5:”tweet”;s:86:”Give me that, let me show you how it’s done.

~Things I say before requiring stitches.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}