*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
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BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Jogging has never helped my memory.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s