I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
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Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
can’t talk my ride’s here
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.