I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.

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-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”


[Lie detector]
“You claim you can move an object by saying just one word. Is this true?”
– Yes
*needle going nuts*
“I, sir, have been owned”


*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?


Coworker: did you have a good weekend?

Me: obviously not since I came back to work.


I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore


Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.

Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )

Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”


I had a dream where children were allowed to pick their parents, and I woke up thinking “This is not The Gates’ residence.”