I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
You Might Also Like
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Children of the corn 🌽
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
what day is it?
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.