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@WilliamAder: I'll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that's me.
@3sunzzz: [notice son's not home]
Me: IT'S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
@: I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
@jordan_stratton: *drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
@IamDrainBamaged: I've been dieting for 2 weeks now and so far I lost 5 Instagram followers.
@realHamOnWry: My nephew asked, 'Do you have a New Years hangover today?' I said, 'No. Hangovers are for people who stop drinking'.