I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
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You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year