I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.

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[lava kids playing in a volcano]

“the floor is linoleum!”


cw: what did you do at the weekend?

me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal

cw: I think you mean belated?

m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean


[Bank Robbery]
Put all the money in the bag and no one-

*sees guy wearing a Maroon 5 shirt*

MOST people won’t get hurt!!


Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.

10yo: I can’t find one.

Me: *finds a pencil* Here.

10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.

Me: *finds a sharpener*

10yo: I can’t find an eraser.

Me: Fine, use the pen.

10yo: I can’t find the pen.


Told a priest, “Bless you” after he sneezed and he said, “Stay in your lane.”


wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table

me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training


ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.


I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”


Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?