@CroweJam

I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.

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@TheHyyyype

[lava kids playing in a volcano]

“the floor is linoleum!”

@Gupton68

cw: what did you do at the weekend?

me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal

cw: I think you mean belated?

m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean

@sad_tree

[Bank Robbery]
Put all the money in the bag and no one-

*sees guy wearing a Maroon 5 shirt*

MOST people won’t get hurt!!

@mommajessiec

Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.

10yo: I can’t find one.

Me: *finds a pencil* Here.

10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.

Me: *finds a sharpener*

10yo: I can’t find an eraser.

Me: Fine, use the pen.

10yo: I can’t find the pen.

@Terfleaza

Told a priest, “Bless you” after he sneezed and he said, “Stay in your lane.”

@TweetPotato314

wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table

me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training

@KrazykurtKurt

ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.

@rn_murse

I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”

@AmishPornStar1

Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?