@Dutch_50

I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”

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@ibid78

[God waking up with a hangover] last night was a blur. Whose prayers did I answer?
[sees Trump leading in the polls] uh oh

@Mostly_Cheese

[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me

@barryjohnharper

Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.

@AbrasiveGhost

GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!

GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.

@Brampersandon_

[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*

@Darlainky

Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.

@MissHavisham

7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL

@LizHackett

It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”