I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
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*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Happy weekend !
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.