911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
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isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
that’s really how it is
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.