I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
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The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
you stereotypes are all alike
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*