I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
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[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Breaking news:
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body