I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
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Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
dogs can find happiness so easily