I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.

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Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text


Everyone prepare yourself for National “How is it May already?” Day coming up tomorrow where people who don’t know how calendars work tweet.


When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.


HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?


Me: I’m gonna make a salad

Her: I think the lettuce went bad

[opens fridge]

[lettuce flicks a cigarette, hops out & pulls a switch blade]


DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!

ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly


ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions


I want my children to be independent headstrong people. Just not while I’m raising them.


Why is your kid crying today? Mine didn’t get picked in a game she was playing alone