@vikkaroni: I'll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would've coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
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@jharden21: Me as a news anchor: an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
@McGrumpenstein: If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
@daemonic3: [starbucks] One tall iced latte please "Ok, can I have a name?" Well ok but it really should come from your parents
@iwearaonesie: wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it! me *runs in* wife: Did you get it!? me [has no idea wtf she's talking about] Yep