I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
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My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR