I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
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To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious