I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
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uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?