I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
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i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Huge, if true.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ