I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
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How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones