I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
I’ll buy the magic mushrooms, fireballs and flying raccoons but a Princess dating an Italian plumber?
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Day 5 of quarantine. Alexa and I are no longer speaking to each other.
A hostage exchange, except it’s me meeting with my ex to exchange cutlery that has changed houses via school lunches.
Jurassic park gets weird
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
If everyone would stop screaming, I’m sure we’d all agree I’m not supposed to be in this women’s restroom.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
I did not say your baby was ugly. I just asked what happened.