@Sarcasmo718

I’ll buy the magic mushrooms, fireballs and flying raccoons but a Princess dating an Italian plumber?

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@MooseAllain

A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.

@NrouteHQ

Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?

@ParanormalQueer

If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.

@werehedgehog

No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂

*later to thugs* They know too much.

@Marlebean

Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!

@mattZillaaaa

My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.

@TheHyyyype

[on the playground]

mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car

3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much

@skedaddle74

My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’

@onion_an

Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming

[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]

Me: I got killed by a shark once

@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: “Well, Mrs Jones, you are eating for two now!”

Kate: “I’m pregnant?!”

Doctor: “No. You have a tapeworm.”