@Sarcasmo718

I’ll buy the magic mushrooms, fireballs and flying raccoons but a Princess dating an Italian plumber?

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@envydatropic

I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing

@impaulmccoy

Day 5 of quarantine. Alexa and I are no longer speaking to each other.

@DogGoing

A hostage exchange, except it’s me meeting with my ex to exchange cutlery that has changed houses via school lunches.

@stephenjmolloy

“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.

@funflaps

[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it

@weinerdog4life

If everyone would stop screaming, I’m sure we’d all agree I’m not supposed to be in this women’s restroom.

@johnbiehl

Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?

Human: we are an advanced species

A: how do you travel?

H: we light old dinosaurs on fire

@urmumsausername

The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause