@Sarcasmo718

I’ll buy the magic mushrooms, fireballs and flying raccoons but a Princess dating an Italian plumber?

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@jazz_inmypants

BOSS: can i ask u a question

ME: you just did

BOSS: wh–

ME: because that was a question

BOSS:

ME: when you said “can i ask u a question.” that was a question.

BOSS: why are u in the fish tank

@WhaJoTalkinBout

customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing

me: oh *declines it* thank you

@KimmyMonte

“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat

@SadPeruna

If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.

@SlothSlouch

Zuckerberg *causally slurping down extension cords like noodles*: Hello fellow human being

@indecision

New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.

@Rivs01

I can’t believe I used to talk to people.

@Roy_oh_Roy

[visiting America]

Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?

America: sure is

Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch

America: lmao nope