BOSS: can i ask u a question
ME: you just did
ME: because that was a question
ME: when you said “can i ask u a question.” that was a question.
BOSS: why are u in the fish tank
I’ll buy the magic mushrooms, fireballs and flying raccoons but a Princess dating an Italian plumber?
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customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Morning wood makes the best fire.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Zuckerberg *causally slurping down extension cords like noodles*: Hello fellow human being
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope