I’ll buy the magic mushrooms, fireballs and flying raccoons but a Princess dating an Italian plumber?

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BOSS: can i ask u a question

ME: you just did

BOSS: wh–

ME: because that was a question


ME: when you said “can i ask u a question.” that was a question.

BOSS: why are u in the fish tank


customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing

me: oh *declines it* thank you


“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat


If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.


Zuckerberg *causally slurping down extension cords like noodles*: Hello fellow human being


New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.


I can’t believe I used to talk to people.


[visiting America]

Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?

America: sure is

Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch

America: lmao nope