I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
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british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
#parenting
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith