[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
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me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Dads in the 80s: I want satellite tv so bad.
Satellite tv installer: How bad?
Dads: REALLY bad
Installer: Like “gigantic satellite bolted to a cement slab that takes over your entire yard” bad?
Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain beard
2.) prisoner of war beard
3.) homeless person beard
4.) wizard beard
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Beer is so smart that if you drink enough, right around your midsection, it builds a shelf for you to rest bottles on.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out