I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
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People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.