“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
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A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.