“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
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Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.