I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
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The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
when you are just born a rebel
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.