Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
You Might Also Like
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Encore…
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake