I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
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HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”