@gato_fumando

i’ll have a burg please [waiter looks confused] a burg. a meat frisbee. a seared bovine disc. a hamburger sandwich. a bunned beefling my man

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@Parkerlawyer

I made a grown man cry today in court.

But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.

@AnOrangeSNES

*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*

Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.

@davidgrossTV

“Honey, can you get me the dictionary? I gotta know if this guy’s recommending this movie.”

@Shock_Monster

Why do Asian people never seem to age?

I met a chinese girl today & I estimate her age to be somewhere between 4 & 197.

@Shade510

When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.

Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.

@behindyourback

“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”

@sonictyrant

Bond: “Bond, James Bond”
Moneypenny: “Moneypenny, Miss Moneypenny”
Q: [looking dejected] “Q, just Q, Q”