“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
i’ll have a burg please [waiter looks confused] a burg. a meat frisbee. a seared bovine disc. a hamburger sandwich. a bunned beefling my man
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Answers phone, makes modem noises…
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
“Honey, can you get me the dictionary? I gotta know if this guy’s recommending this movie.”
Why do Asian people never seem to age?
I met a chinese girl today & I estimate her age to be somewhere between 4 & 197.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Bond: “Bond, James Bond”
Moneypenny: “Moneypenny, Miss Moneypenny”
Q: [looking dejected] “Q, just Q, Q”