I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
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I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
sensitive skin
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden