Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
You Might Also Like
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.